Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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