we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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