Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
