currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize