I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
