I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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