so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
