i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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