If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i think i just lost a toe
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