Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
