What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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