I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
