Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
