At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
