I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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