I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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