it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
