can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
