she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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