i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
