Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize