Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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