We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
