so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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