I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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