The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
