So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
