Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
