you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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