update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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