Please, let me fuck your mom
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize