my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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