the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize