i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
is it fun? or sober?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
