Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
