Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
