If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
