Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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