a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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