i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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