She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
