Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
