If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
