he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
