Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
