Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
