Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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