There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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