So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
