fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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