Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
