Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
