the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
