I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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