Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's like God shit irony all over that family
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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